My Dream is to pursue my Dreams...

I had dreams, big dreams, small dreams, lazy, silly, outrageous, vicious, aspirational, and vocal & all sorts of dreams. And then with dreams comes the fantasy, the imagination, the likings, the future thoughts! Endless, but inspiring!

But with every dream comes the cost of paying for it. And the cost is always of course more hurting when its non-monetary.  With this you realize that probably dreaming wasn’t as fun and inspiring as you started. And then begin the compromises with your dreams.

Being youngest in the family, I always wondered, whether I should follow or should I be wandering on my own, navigating through the thick and thins! But I think I followed…though tried to navigate through in that following a bit! I was never a performer. Rather preferred to be quiet and prove myself. I was compared, every step with everyone around! Beauty, smartness, intelligence, words, speaking, sports, art…every field and I was pulled into it! And to my dismay, I never excelled in any of it. Always remained a mediocre.. an average scorer! I kept on trying to reach that level of expectations and every time someone would set the bar higher than I intended to reach. And that difference remained constant. Life went on..studies, graduation, all went the same!

In the years of my PG, things started changing. My life took a turn! I gained new confidence with days passing by. Everyone started recognizing me and liking. Irrespective of my imperfection, they realized and valued my abilities. My strength to communicate, to explain, to understand were recognized. I was given responsibilities and was trusted upon! It felt wonderful to even fall and rise in these situations, because I was myself for the first time in my life. I had started dreaming again, about myself and about my dreams. I had friends who loved me, colleagues who supported me and teachers and outsiders who chose me!

I entered the corporate world. Slogged myself, built myself, changed companies, took challenges, fell hard and failed miserably! But still rose out of it. And then again came an opportunity which realized my true self. Authority, responsibility, challenge, respect, trust! Wonderful world @ KPIT Cummins Infosystems Ltd! It feels like yesterday when we did work till late night hours, enjoyed eating the burger and riding back home in our boss’ car! Loved the stress also.

But as they say, things last till they are new! And so was it. I am left with no place to go now. It irritates me to see people around me they are least bothered about my irritation! The identity I built for myself all these years, and struggle I made for myself, is now in vain! My effort to be recognized and liked for who I was and I am, is nowhere to be seen! And so goes with the ‘dream of pursuing dreams’. like everyone else I am once again lost in the crowd of neverland! Without any identity, without any respect and without any value!

But I won’t let this come into the way of pursuing my dreams, to dream big and live those! I shall stand firmly once again and show you that I am not person who has to bend all the time to those who never ever wanted to rise in their life!

The Fiction of My Life...

Since childhood, we have always been fond of reading fiction or a fairy tale, where foolish wishes and unthinkable dreams seem to be coming true! In the end we realise that this actually was fiction. Out of such famous ones, I remember the excerpts from 'Breaking Dawn'. Bella at the time of her wedding is as nervous as never before - shivering, nervous, hyperventilating and senseless! And something like this did happen to me...


"One step at a time, I told myself as we began to descend to the slow tempo of the march.I could hear the murmurs and rustling of the audience as i came into view. As soon as my feet were past the treacherous stairs, i was looking for him. For a brief second, I was distracted by the profusion of white blossom that hung in garlands from everything in the room...

But I tore my eyes from the bowery canopy and searched across the rows of satin-draped chairs - blushing more deeply as I took in the crowd of faces all focused on me - until I found him at last, standing before an arch overflowing with more flowers. I didn't see my mother where she must have been sitting in the front row, or my new family, or any of the guests - they would have to wait till later. All i really saw was Edward's face, it filled my vision and overwhelmed my mind. His eyes were buttery, burning gold, his perfect face was almost severe with the depth of his emotion. And then, as he met my awed gaze, he broke into a breathtaking smile of exultation. And then at last, at last, I was there...

In that moment, my world which had been upside down for so long now, seemed to settle into its propoer position. I just saw how silly I'd been for fearing this - as if it were an embarassing exhibition. I looked into his shining, triumphant eyes and knew that I was winning, too. Because nothing else mattered but that I could stay with him. I felt like being at home."


And then, when we finally exchanged our rings, my heart, very slowly said....I do!! I realised that day the need of dreaming. I had dreamt of this...and when it came true, I was all ready for it..with a sheer nervvousness.

A fiction of my life has come true....my Edward has come into my life!

Tale of Two Cities

I was sure that arrange marriages don't really mean life...they are infact a compromise to stand along with the society. And especially for them who never got a chance to prove to the society of their worth...

A way to go with the flow..meet, marry, produce! And the life goes on....Or the modern way of doing it is the specific time for the two species to fool around for some days and "get to know each other". When I started to go through such kind of experiences, I was convinced that people around me are trying to get me ready for meet, marry & produce!! ;-)

But this one.....changed my life forever! He stood out from day one..It began without us meeting. I was prepared to talk to him, like I gave all my interviews earlier! Confident that as it is, till now no relation has worked out..so why would this? So then there is no harm in chatting. I was wrong! Far across 379 Miles...someone was waiting to shake my beliefs! We connected, and re-connected. A different feeling altogether...don't know why, but this guy made me feel wanted! And we wished for more...

Time came soon when we had to decide upon our meeting. A sheer nervousness ran over my mind after a long time - What if he rejects? Had taken many before..but this one would pinch somewhere. And to find out the reason why it would pinch me...we landed in the city of cultural heritages - Indore! Well to be frank enough..within a visit of 2 days to this city famous for its constructions, the only building my mind could register was the rising turbulence in my head! All sorts of 'W' questions got registered, but my heart never bothered to answer even one!! With such kind of bearing...me along with my parents reached the destination!

After the higher authorities (parents) met and bonded...this guy walked inside the room! With every possible corner of my eye, i was trying to get a complete view of him. And he with all his might was trying to avoid my gaze. The turbulence increased ten folds when even after 2 hours the only word we had spoken directly to each other was "Hi"!! Time passed by and finally (and thankfully!!) we spent some time with each other that evening...His talks, his knowledge and his presence itself, mesmerised me to the extent that I was already in for the show..! I knew that moment what 'waiting for the right man' meant. That was the moment, I now realise, God wanted me to wait for always...

Now is the time when we aren't being able to stay away from each other for a few hours! But the distance takes us apart..May be this builds up our bonds, patience and tests the strength. Which eventually (I agree with you) will only increase our love! I now wait for the right moment in our lives, which will hold us together forever!

It is said that "A Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person". I am sure you will make me fall in love with you 24*7....!!

Graveyards of Friendship!!

We walked the parallel ways, both leading to paradise.

　

Hand in hand through the maze,

over the reef, we landed in front of a devil.

　

It's shade so murky, it's straddle so huge...

not one could escape the vicious roots

no one could could conquer the expand of shoots.

　

We split, we hit, we shrunk and got drunk

We thought and we fought

But the apparent grass pierced us back..

　

The devil stands tall today, on the graveyard of our endeavour

It stuns and amazes the visitors

Oh! is this what is heaven?

　

We walked the sunlit days, both to end in peace....

hand away an extra mile

think that bond was just for a while...

Life seemes so stupid & easy with you being around. no time and place could stop us from bonding. Those hangouts those notes got us close enough to to relish friendship.

Later it went beyond the boundaries and still we could preserve that affection & love. Now the time comes when the bonding may not be possible at every stage in life. We will go through tough times and meet strange soul mates on our own way.

But I would still always cherish our moments together & our relation.

I loved you in sad and happy times, I loved you in my dreams!!

M happy with you being happy and content..We weren't meant to be together they way I thought and does not affect our bond.

I take this moment to remember you for my entire life till the end of an eternity.....

Will always be there when you would think of me!!!!!!

Don't think I am aimless,

My aims, so high, beyind your vision......



Don't think I am silent,

my words so sharp, they might prick you....



M not worthless,

My actions so staunch, beyond your grasp......



Don't judge me by your standards,

My attitude so high, won't come down to yours!



Don't make a mistake of suppressing me,

It will hamper your own confidence......



Stand out get alive,

Be happy, with positive vibes!

build your own attitude,

don't merge with me, I already have one.....

Something more than my moods.........

Just when you think that life is smooth, running safe and sound, there comes a time when you realize that your life is in dilemma! And you have been facing this dilemma since the time you have been confident of yourself. What makes you realize your potential is actually taking a toll on yourself. Your life is a complete mess with all the jitters playing their roles so perfectly that you do not get a chance to correct yourself. The pressures around you, the people with you and the career path you have chosen add up to the mess, knowingly-unknowingly! What escalates the issue more is the commitment you have made – not to others, to yourself! Because in the end you are so self conscious that you feel you are answerable to yourself for every act you perform (and every stupid decision of yours!!!)
Just above is the phase I am passing through. If I try to analyze the garbage on my mind, blast, it’s just tooooo much!

Let’s see –
Family-busy in sorting out their own problems! How do I add up to it??
Friends-well adjusted in their places and careers…don’t think I fit in!
Career-the one in which I exist, does not actually exist for me…thats what my graph says!
Love life- Oops…never existed!!!!!
Health-Always posing a problem!
God-OMG!! Think need to start believing more in it now…actually to leave it up to Him!!
Guess the only composure I have within me is of my writing…that too if I am not too much occupied with the above stuff and am able to think of something writeable. How can someone, so much pre-occupied in life and way too messed up with it, expected to be smiling and enjoying! But………………as it goes, I have to and I do! Actually it’s no big deal. When you know that neither cribbing nor smiling is going to solve your dwindling and imbalanced life…why waste your energy on being so sadistic? My wishes, my joy, my heart plays no role in making my dreams come true. They do not hold a position of importance in any of the EVENTS!!How do I term my life as – predictable: unpredictable, calm & composed: turbulent, happening: boring, wholesome: worried. None truly fits in.
Exhausted!! Exhausted of thinking about what I am. Is it so difficult to just spend your one day without burying your head into philosophical areas? There are moments when you think life is so full of love, goodness and kindness! Then it says…..kiddos grow up! This wasn’t the way it is. And it goes on…till date!
But, positivity still exists in life! Wish for a better future always.

William Wordsworth has once said “when from our better selves we have too long been parted by the hurrying world, sick of its business, of its pleasures tired, how gracious, how benign is solitude”